The Loss

mourn

Mr M lost someone very close to him on the weekend. Someone who has played such a pivotal and stabilizing role in his life. Someone who has been there through every storm and loss that Mr M has suffered and there have been many and at a very young age. The sheer magnitude of what this is doing to him is truly heart breaking to witness.

The loss was sudden and unexpected, which makes it worse. At least if a loved one succumbs to a long illness you have time to compute, to adjust in some way. No such luxury, if you can call it that, exists here. I am experiencing this tragedy through Mr M’s eyes. I scarcely know what to say or do. Every possible word seems contrived and trite. So I just sit with him, hold his hand and let him know that he’s not alone in this. That I will be there and be whatever he needs during this time.

What I am struggling with are my own emotions. I am hardly adept at controlling them. I’ve gotten better at controlling things like my temper and my words but for one such as me who is melancholic for the majority of her day, I am unsure how I’m going to navigate the emotional rollercoaster that I can see on the–not at all distant–horizon.

It’s not easy to put it into words but I’ll try.

I feel something at every moment of every day, most often on a visceral level. Oft times I feel a lot of things concurrently. I am quite deeply affected by events that have nothing to do with me, hurts that are perpetrated against strangers. I have to be very careful how much of the news I read and what kind of news I read. Spending too much time reading all the horrors that are going on around me can send me into, what I can only describe as, a depressive state. I am not depressed, to be clear, but I have periods of extreme sadness. It’s so hard to focus on the good, as it were, when so many people are suffering hardships and loss. I feel the need to help humanity in some way, yet at the same time, I am completely and utterly disappointed in humanity.

Not long ago, I sat back and through a lot of contemplation and prayer, realised that I am at peace, despite the storms raging inside me and the sadness in my head and my heart. My faith gives that to me. Since the death of Mr M’s friend, I have battled to understand how people with no faith in anything, deal with loss and grief. I simply do not understand how they do it. I am thankful for my faith, every day. It affords me a place of refuge when things become too much. It’s the one thing that unequivocally, never lets me down. Were I to lean on my own understanding, I would have, in all likelihood, swallowed a bunch of pills a long time ago. There hardly exists any reason to do anything worthwhile in life or with your talents, if it all just results in nothing. You may disagree. You may believe that all Christians believe a fairy tale, that we are delusional. That’s ok. I’m not here to preach to anyone or shove anything down anyone’s throat. I am just unable to make sense of the nothingness theory and we’d all be better off blowing up the planet in a spectacular nuclear display and saving human and animal kind the pain of ‘going it another day’ into the nothingness. If there is no point to life, that after death we are just dead, why on earth should we subject ourselves to the hardship and pain that this world brings us?

It’s hardly a popular thing to be said these days but I am thankful for Christ, who He was, what He did and who I am in Him. This is how I will deal with what is to come. This is what makes me the person I am, so sensitive to everything around me yet calm at my core and able to let Mr M lean. To let him see my light and know that he is loved beyond compare, for that light is not of me. I am only the person I am because of His light.

Thank you for reading.

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