The Eiffel tower is both a happy and a sad memory for me.
The first time I visited the Eiffel, I sat directly underneath it, on the bench and realised my marriage was over. Part of my return to Paris, other than to learn French, is to reclaim the part of me that I felt I lost all that time ago. I came to get my heart back.
I took the Metro from Opéra to Trocadéro because it’s from there that you get really beautiful pictures of the Eiffel. I stood and stared for a while and as the expected tears pricked at my eyes, I realised they were not tears of wonderment and sadness, rather this time they were tears, purely, of wonderment.
If you have not had the fortune of visiting the Eiffel I can tell you that there are few things like it in the world and though I have not seen a lot of the world I would hazard a guess that it’s akin to seeing the Taj Mahal, the pyramids at Giza or the Statue of Liberty.
So magnificent is the Eiffel that it literally takes my breath away. Seeing it again, on my own, really brings home the realisation of how far I have travelled, literally and metaphorically. I have not come ‘full circle’. I have gone 180 degrees in the other direction.
I am, at long last, at peace with the demons of my past, I am at peace with my choices and I am at peace with the path I have walked, the people I have loved and lost along the way and the people who did not care enough for my love to want to keep it.
I am where I am today because of the choices I’ve made, the hardships I’ve suffered and the amazing friends and family I have been blessed with.
I have said it before and I will say it again. There comes a time in every person’s life when you realise that you need to put things down simply because they are heavy and it is exhausting carrying baggage around with you that you no longer need.
I forgive those kids at school who bullied me. I forgive my ex-husband’s family for their treatment of me. I forgive the friends who gave up on me. I forgive the members of my family who don’t treat me like part of the family.
I have been carrying this baggage with me for so long and I am tired. I am tired of looking back and I am tired of undervaluing myself because others do.
If there was one thing I could say to my childhood self, I’d tell her that; It’s never as bad as you think it is in the moment and though things may not ever seem ok, you get stronger and more adept at dealing with them. You also need the bad to value and appreciate the good in your life because there will be A LOT of good!
I am holding my heart in the palm of my hand and it’s up to me who I choose to give it to. I got hurt in the past because of who I chose to give my heart to. I was 50% responsible for my heart getting broken in the first place.
This time, I will choose wisely. I will choose the man who treats me like I am different from everyone else, who loves me and appreciates me for who I am. The man who sees my over-sized and overly soft heart as a positive not a negative, who holds my hand when I cry in the movies or while listening to a song. The man who sees how much I care and not only acknowledges it but understands it at his core. The man who truly gets my quirky nature and loves me because of it and not in spite of it. The man who is waiting for me to fetch my heart and return to him.
This time I make the good choice, not the choice I am expected to make or the choice my heart tells me to make. This time I use my heart and my head and make the choice that is right for me.
Respect the people who love you and make the right choice, not the easy choice, in 2014. Making the right choice will ensure that at your core, you are content. Let the happiness you construct be so sound in it’s design that it is like the Eiffel, which only sways six inches in heavy winds.
Thank you for reading.